Alcoholism is known as “cunning, baffling and powerful” by members of Alcoholics Anonymous. In my personal experience, it is devious, perplexing and controlling. The disease held my life in the palm of its hand and little by little, it was squeezing the life out of me. The life that included two beautiful daughters, a husband, a home, and a caring and loving extended family. For me, life centered around a bottle. Nothing, and I mean nothing else mattered.
I began drinking when I was about 12 years old and enjoyed it from the first sip. I loved the way it made me feel and I felt I could finally fit in with others. I always felt I was on the outside, looking in. I was a weekend warrior for many years and lived for those weekends.
One would think getting married and having children would change things, but I easily learned the art of juggling. Juggling my children and my drinking. I was super mom and could do it all. Take care of the children, run the household and drink at the same time.
When the children grew up and moved out, I took my juggling act “on the road and started working full-time. It was a sales position, and alcohol gave me creativity and an outgoing personality that I never believed I had on my own. I was a “functioning alcoholic” (or so I thought), until alcohol took over my mind and body. Functioning was a word of the past. I drank at work and I drank at work. I drank all day long! It had been years since I drank from a glass, as that was too noticeable to others. Instead, I hid with a bottle in hand, all day long. The progression was fierce. Shaking and sweating was an all-day occurrence. I no longer cared about what I looked like in the mirror. So, I just stopped looking. The grip of the disease had me in a vice now, squeezing the last breaths out of me.
After one very disgusted daughter drove me to a hospital, I ended up in a psychiatric ward. I don’t even remember the car ride there. After a stay for detox, I finally sought out a rehab, was willingly to go for the first time, and started to rebuild my life. I learned all about my disease, how to treat it daily, and that I was not alone in this horrible battle. I realized that other people were fighting the same battle I was fighting. There was a way out! I just had to work for it. It was there all along, but I never truly wanted it. I had finally surrendered to the fact that I was an alcoholic. I wanted to take my life back! I wanted to be a good mom, enjoy the grandchildren that I was blessed with along with way, and to be present in my own life as well. I wanted to be there for the ones I loved, who I had deserted for many years. I was ready to experience the beautiful life that was given to me!
By Elizabeth Buscemi
THRIVE Suffolk Coordinator
